Loving and Serving Both Wife and Family

I’m terrible with books. I pick one up and put one down. I start one, two, three and take forever to finish them. I haven’t finished the books showcased  on my sidebar yet, and already have begun others. That is the way I am, and I am trying to get better.

Anyway, I recently picked up the book Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know by C.J. Mahaney. I was planning on giving it to someone for a wedding gift, and then I started reading it for myself. It is very quick reading and I’m already almost half way done. Since posts around here have been too rare lately, I thought I could post some thoughts about what I’ve been thinking as I have started this book.

About the Book.

Yes, as the title indicates, the book is about sex. And it focuses on Song of Solomon. But I have read 50 pages and still have not come to the sex part. While I would not say sex is not important and good, I was not looking for a sex manual or anything. And this book is certainly not that. It really only contains 2 chapters which deal with that subject. No, this book is more of a theology of marriage which provides just the right backdrop for a look at how Solomon deals with sex.

I haven’t read the whole thing yet, but it looks like one of the best books I have read on the topic. It sets sex in the proper and Biblical context in which God intended it to be so great. And it calls men—Christian men—to love and romance their wife. It calls us to lead in deepening our marriages and strengthening the love we share with our wives.

The Purpose of Marriage.

Mahaney reminded me afresh of the true purpose of marriage. Ephesians 5:31-32 says, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” So marriage then is intended to be a picture of how Christ relates to his Church. Let me quote Mahaney at this point, since his words are much more adequate than mine:

Please don’t think of this as merely a helpful illustration or an interesting perspective. It’s much more than that. This is the essence of marriage. This is the divine purpose for your marriage….

So we see that there is a purpose in marriage that goes beyond personal fulfillment. Something of the selfless love, care, and sacrifice that Jesus shows toward the Church is supposed to be evident in you as you relate to your wife. Something of the respect, submission, and devotion that the Church shows toward Jesus is supposed to be evident in your wife as she relates to you. That’s the purpose for your marriage. That is why God has given her to you, and you to her. [pp. 23-25; underlined emphasis was italic in original]

Romancing Your Wife.

The part of the book which has been most helpful and most challenging so far has been its call for men to romance their wives. Mahaney encourages us to plan and work at delighting our wife in any number of small yet meaningful ways. He provides practical pointers and suggestions and strongly encourages a weekly date of some kind.

The truth he wants us to remember, if nothing else from this book is this: “In order for romance to deepen, you must touch the heart and mind of your wife before you touch her body.” [emphasis his, page 28]

In this section he provides a must-ask question: “Do you feel more like a mother or a wife?” [pg. 29]

Concerning this point he continues:

There can be a selfish, sinful tendency among husbands to view their wives as a goal that, once achieved, is then taken for granted. That is how a wife with children comes to feel primarily like a mother. And that is why the very idea of asking a question like this can cause many husbands to swallow hard and consider going off to watch a little TV. But please don’t—I want this to be an encouragement to you.

…A variety of legitimate activities may consume huge quantities of your wife’s time….But whatever your situation, if you make it a priority to love and care for your wife as Christ does the Church…God will touch her heart so that, even when surrounded by diapers, dishes, and diseases, she can answer that question with joy: “I feel more like a wife.”

…Motherhood is exceptionally important. It calls for immense sacrifices and deserves great honor. But I can say with full conviction that according to Scripture, motherhood is never to be a wife’s primary role. In fact, I think the most effective mothers are wives who are being continually, biblically romanced by their husbands. [pg. 30]

Loving and Serving Your Family.

Finally, I wanted to quote just a brief story Mahaney shares which was a challenge and encouragement for me to remember that I am to love and serve my wife and family as Christ serves and loves the Church.

When our first two children were still quite young, I realized that my commute home in the evening was functioning as little more than a review of my day. As far as I was concerned, by the time I got in that car, my responsibilities were pretty much over until the next morning. I saw my home as a refuge, a place where the emphasis, for me, was on being served rather than on leading and serving with Christlike love.

In God’s mercy, he showed me the selfish motivation I was bringing home each evening. I saw that my commute could be best utilized as a time of transition, so that I might be prepared to finish the day by loving and serving my family well.

So I made a practice of pulling the car over a few blocks from my home so I could take a couple of minutes to make an effective transition in my soul. There on the side of the road, I meditated on Ephesians 5 as well as on some other passages. I confessed to God my sinful tendency to be selfish and sought to prepare my heart to serve my wife and children when I arrived home. In this way I learned to see my home as the context where I have my greatest privilege and opportunity to serve…. [pp. 50-51]

Read part 2 ofthis review.