I recently finished a helpful little book on parenting by Sam Crabtree, Parenting with Loving Correction: Practical Help for Raising Young Children. In a chapter entitled “Reward Obedience, Not Disobedience” Crabtree shares the following pointed anecdote.
“Neil, get down off the couch,” the mother said.
The boy sat there unmoved as she continued to chat.
“Neil, get down off the couch,” she repeated, then kept talking with Vicki about other things.
The boy visibly stiffened his resolve. On his face and in his posture, you could see it: of all the things in the world Neil could do, he wasn’t going to get down from that couch.
The game was on.
“Neil, if you don’t get down off that couch, Sam and Vicki aren’t going to like you.”
Frankly, that’s irrelevant. To Neil, whether we like him or not was immaterial. (We like him. Years later I officiated at his wedding.)
The boy stayed put. Neil’s defiance had become the issue — not the couch, and not Sam and Vicki. The mother started digging in her purse. “Here, Neil, I’ll give you this candy bar if you get down off the couch.” When she pulled out the candy bar, he hopped down and fetched the candy bar.
Checkmate.
Mom loses.
Get this: she may think she’s rewarding him for his obedience. Actually, she’s paying him to disobey her. guess what she’s going to get lots more of?
Neil was obeying not his mother, but his sweet tooth. And the mother was catering to that….
…If you’re startled at the thought that you might actually be rewarding rebellion, whining, sassiness, and disobedience in your child, keep reading. None of us wants to be a parent that rewards the wrong thing in our child. This chapter can help you avoid that.
(p. 77-79 – italics and bold emphasis added)
The rest of the book is as on-point as the anecdote above. And while Crabtree’s diagnosis is sharp, his bedside manner is quite mild. I highly recommend his book (and hope to review it more fully later).
You can pick up a copy of this new book by Mohler from Amazon.com, Westminster Bookstore, Christianbook.com, or direct from Crossway Books.
Disclaimer: This book was provided by the publisher. I was under no obligation to offer a positive review.