Tag: divorce

My How Time Flies: Six Months of Silence

~ Bob Hayton ~ 4 Comments

Over the last 11 years of blogging, I’ve seen many blogs start and many end. Some of you are thinking that my blog has ended due to about six months of silence! No, I’m not going to bring this all to a close. But I did want to say a word about the last several months.

Fifteen months ago our eighth child was born. Hannah Mercy is her name and we all were shown great mercy through the circumstances surrounding her birth. She weighed just 2 lbs. 1 oz., and was seven weeks premature. Just three weeks after coming home, she developed RSV and faced a life-critical stay in the hospital. She pulled through and is doing well now, and we were so blessed by undergoing that trial and seeing so many friends and family come together and support our family. She is doing very well and about to walk here, any day now.

Just a few weeks after Hannah came home from the hospital (the second time), we had some truly devastating news about my brother. Since March we’ve been dealing with his unfaithfulness to his wife and his subsequent departure from the mission field. He has walked away from the faith, and relocated to our neck of the woods. His wife and children live separately from him and are getting by, but are still so hurt by all of this. We have been caring for them and trying to be there for counsel and support. I’ve been speaking into my brother’s life: trying to both warn and love him at the same time (but not enable him).

This has been a dark and trying time for my family, and these are by no means the only burdens and trials we bear. Parenting eight children (the oldest are now 11, 12 and 13) keeps us busy as well!

I hope to write more on the topic of suffering and faith, on standing firm in trial and seeing God bless you in the storm. I plan to grapple more with apologetics and the defense of the faith, as well. A friend at my church encouraged me to share more of my story online for other’s benefit. I hope to do so in time.

I plan to continue to read and review books, and comment on other items as well. But my ministry here is only one part of my calling. Being the right husband and father to my wife and children comes first. Being there for my immediate family comes next. Participating in the ministry of our local church is important too. Priorities matter, and this time away from my blog has helped me live that truth.

I am not perfect, and I’m still a project; but I hope to help and bless others as God enables me. I hope to use this blog and the platform I’ve built in a way that honors God. Thanks to all of you who read my blog. If you can, think about our family and pray as God leads you. Don’t assume something like this can’t happen to your brother or your husband, or your father, your friend. God bless and help us all as we “fight the good fight of faith” (1 Tim. 6:12a).

“When Sinners Say ‘I Do’ DVD” by Dave Harvey

~ Bob Hayton ~ 1 Comment

When Sinners Say I Do DVD by Dave HarveyMedia Details:
• Speaker: Dave Harvey
• Director: Patrick Gines
• Publisher: Shepherd Press (2014)
• Format: DVD
• Run Time: 195 minutes
• ISBN/ASIN#: 1633420922
• List Price: $59.99 (sale at Shepherd Press for $39.95)
• Rating: Must Watch

Blurbs:
“Dave Harvey skillfully exposes the real root of most marriage problems — each spouse is still a sinner. But he doesn’t leave us to wallow in our sin. He shows the way out through the ongoing power of the gospel. This will be helpful for any married couple whether they’ve been married five weeks or fifty years.”
—Jerry Bridges, Author of the Pursuit of Holiness

“Listen closely as Dave Harvey teaches on the struggles that characterize all marriages. His words are clear and inviting. He says it in a way that is fresh and humble. He cuts to the heart of what all of us are like—people needing daily, freely-given mercies from the Lord. And he cuts to the heart of what all of us need—not self-help, not a pep talk, not a few tips, but an active Savior. Listen, take to heart, and you will grow wiser as a husband or wife.”
—David Powlison, Executive Director, CCEF; Senior Editor, Journal of Biblical Counseling

“There is no laboratory for the grace of God like the family home. And there is no relationship so crucial to the work of grace in our homes as our marriages. It’s for these reasons I’m so grateful for Dave Harvey’s careful, wise, and relevant teaching in When Sinners Say I Do. Watch closely with your spouse or spouse-to-be, and let Dave lead you with great experience and pastoral care through the hard places of marriage right into the very throne room of God, where you both will find abundant grace for every need you have from now until your nineties.”
—Jared C. Wilson, Director of Content Strategy, Midwestern Seminary; TGC Blogger, The Gospel-Driven Church

Review:
Marriage is under attack today from all sides. Churches are being pressured to recognize marriages between people of the same gender. Our culture insists on “divorce on demand.” Even in conservative evangelical churches it seems that marriages have never been more unstable. Christians are getting divorced at alarmingly high rates.

Solutions to our dilemma abound. There are countless counseling resources and video series aimed at spicing up your marriage, learning the right “love talk,” or trying increasingly bizarre sexual practices as a way to keep our marriages vibrant.

Dave Harvey points out what should be obvious. The problem with marriages lasting comes down to one simple point. Marriage always involves 2 people and both of them are sinners! His book When Sinners Say “I Do” has helped many Christian couples. Now Shepherd Press has released an 8 part video series in an effort to equip the church with Dave’s important message.

This DVD series showcases Pastor Harvey walking through different passages of Scripture and unpacking the Gospel message that applies to our marriages. He emphasizes that sin is often at the root of relational conflict. He stresses the complementary design of God for man and woman. He preaches contentment and the role of mercy. He talks frankly about sex as God’s gift for each spouse – to be mutually enjoyed. And he points to the power for change: God’s stubborn grace.

The sessions are between 20 and 30 minutes long and focus just on Dave and his message. I appreciate this length as it allows the DVD series to be used both in SS classes and small group settings, or even as a seminar or workshop for a marriage retreat. The shorter time allows for questions and interaction by a local pastor or teacher who leads a group of couples through this material. Included with the video is a link to a .PDF study guide which can accompany the DVD and facilitate group discussion.

The series is appropriate for single adults as well, and they are from time to time addressed. It is also helpful for both older and younger couples — he speaks to the needs of both. In his talk on sex, Harvey is careful to be discreet and yet still direct.

The sessions do not major on the psychology of marriage. More time is devoted to unpacking and applying God’s word and then drawing application to marriage. Harvey’s advice is seasoned with years of ministry experience. He brings appropriate and helpful illustrations to capture the attention of the audience. And his insights are powerful and helpful. People in a variety of backgrounds and situations in life will benefit from this series.

I can’t wait to share this in a group setting – either with our small group or a church SS class. I hope this gains a wide audience and encourages many a couple with Gospel grace for their marriage.

Sample:
See six preview clips here, or watch the introduction below.

About the Speaker:
Dave Harvey serves as the Pastor of Preaching at Four Oaks Community Church in Tallahassee, FL. He serves as the Chairman of the board of the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF), as well as the Chairman of the Board of the Sojourn Network. He is the author of a number of books, including Am I Called, Rescuing Ambition, and When Sinners Say “I Do.” Dave lives in Tallahassee, Florida with his wife, Kim. They have four grown children.

Where to Buy:
• Amazon
• ChristianBook.com
• direct from Kregel

Disclaimer:
This DVD was provided by the publisher for review. The reviewer was under no obligation to offer a positive review.

Big Sale on Minibooks from CCEF and New Growth Press

~ Bob Hayton

New Growth Press has a special sale running now through Friday, Aug. 31 (5pm EST) on their excellent minibooks (many of them produced by the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation). I have reviewed some of these minibooks before, and was very impressed with them. These books are Gospel-centered and extremely practical. They help the average church goer connect the life-changing power of the Gospel with their life problems. Topics include dealing with divorce, singleness, pornography, anger, depression and more.

Here is another endorsement of these books:

Our church displays these minibooks so that people can begin to connect their personal struggles, whether sin or suffering, to the power of the Gospel. While these books clearly reveal the realities of living in a fallen world, they also lead people to the living hope found in Jesus and give a clear framework for living both wisely and compassionately. We hope the books serve as a first step as people seek help and more specific counsel from the body of Christ, whether from a pastor, small group leader or friend. I highly recommend these materials. They have been very helpful in my own counseling ministry over the years. ~ Jim Bates, Associate Pastor, Faith Reformed Presbyterian Church (Quarryville, PA)

There are 77 books in all, and they are available for $2.50 each (regularly $3.99), and all of their five-packs are available for $9.99 (regularly $15.99). Be sure to take advantage of this special offer! Hurry, the sale ends Friday, Aug. 31 at 5pm Eastern time.

Four Picture Books from Eerdmans

~ Bob Hayton

The following is a collection of new picture books from Eerdmans Books’ Young Readers imprint. Each of these books are beautifully produced and full of color — bound to attract little eyes. Here is a mini-review of each book, with an excerpt from the publisher’s book description.

Images of God for Young Children by Marie-Helene Delval, illustrated by Barbara Nascimbeni

How do you explain an abstract idea to children? This book tries to explain who God is by means of visual, concrete images or analogies that young children can grasp. 40 different themes, such as “God is light, God is savior, God is a promise” are explored by means of a full page, thought-provoking illustration, as well as a few sentences which try to explain this description of God in simple terms. The illustrations are superb, and the book promises to offer an opportunity for parents to teach in their own words, who God is to their children as they work through this book.

From the book’s description:

The Bible describes God in many different ways: God is light; God is joy; God is wisdom. God is the beauty that fills the earth and the rock we stand on, the promises we live by and the fire that purifies us. This volume offers a collection of these images, presented in simple language that young readers can easily understand.

This book’s bright artwork and lyrical text, written by the bestselling author of Psalms for Young Children, explores how, even though we cannot see or touch God, we can still discover him in our world.

You can pick up a copy of this title at Amazon.com, or direct from Eerdmans Books.

Now It Is Summer by Eileen Spinelli, illustrated by Mary Newell DePalma

This title describes the seasons and the longing for autumn fun, even though it is summer now. The book is beautifully illustrated and focuses on a family of mice. The poetic story has a cadence that young readers will enjoy, and the idea of a family of mice enjoying the seasons is sure to capture their imagination.

From the book’s description:

As a young mouse eagerly looks forward to everything that autumn will bring “” friends at school, fallen leaves to play in, pumpkins to carve “” his mother gently encourages him to join in all the summery joys that surround him right now “” dancing fireflies, sunny beaches, peaches fresh from the orchard. In this delightful tale, a follow-up to her book Now It Is Winter, Eileen Spinelli reminds readers of all ages that they can be content in the moment and find happiness wherever they are. Children are sure to love Mary Newell DePalma’s soft and whimsical paintings of mice celebrating summer.

You can pick up a copy of this title at Amazon.com, or direct from Eerdmans Books.

Vincent van Gogh and the Colors of the Wind by Chiara Lossani, illustrated by Octavia Monaco

Vincent Van Gogh’s life may not seem to have many redemptive qualities about it, from a Christian perspective. But his art is powerful and expressive. Van Gogh’s passionate life was sadly cut short by sin, and serves as a testament to our fallen world. The wonder of God’s creation captivated and deeply moved Van Gogh. Van Gogh’s story can serve to teach our children greater lessons about life, God and sin. While the author of this book doesn’t apply the life lessons that are to be learned, this book for older children could be a helpful avenue for parents to bring up a discussion of deeper life issues and concerns. I should note, Van Gogh killed himself, may have had mental problems, and the book describes these parts of Van Gogh’s story as well as one of his sinful romps. I wouldn’t recommend this book for young readers, or for indiscriminate use by older readers.

From the book’s description:

“Painters teach us to see,” Vincent van Gogh wrote to his brother Theo. But when Vincent’s contemporaries looked at him, many of them saw only a madman “” “dressed like a scarecrow wandering in the fields with canvases under one arm and paintbrushes under the other.”

But Vincent followed his passion and listened to the lessons nature taught him about light, shadows, shapes, and colors. And now that “madman” is one of the most famous painters in the world.

Inspired by letters that Vincent wrote to Theo, his closest friend and constant encourager, the text of Vincent van Gogh and the Colors of the Wind is vibrantly illustrated in a style that recalls the paintings of the artist himself. The book also includes fourteen reproductions of van Gogh’s actual paintings. This lyrical story provides a thoughtful and fresh look at the life of one of the world’s most famous artists.

You can pick up a copy of this title at Amazon.com, or direct from Eerdmans Books.

Loon Summer by Barbara Santucci, illustrated by Andrea Shine

The Bible doesn’t encourage divorce, but it testifies to the painful reality of it. In our world today, divorce is a major problem. This problem painfully impacts children, and even Christian children. How are children to cope with the reality of a new divorce? While I would hope that divorce would be rare in conservative Christian circles, I know it isn’t. I never really thought about what to do with and how to help children affected by the problems of their parents before. I’ve been blessed to not have to think too carefully about this up until recently. This book from Eerdmans is an attempt to help express the emotions and difficulties of a young girl who realizes family vacations aren’t and won’t be the same without having both her mom and dad with her. The dad and his daughter spend time together at the lake in their cabin. By the end of the book, the girl is more at peace with this new reality, she loves her dad, and her mom both. It’s sad reading, but I think for older children recently impacted by divorce or even with the death of a parent, this book may help them cope and be a blessing.

From the book’s description:

My first morning on the lake I hear the loons.
“Oh-OOOO-oooo.”
Their sad songs remind me that Mom isn’t
coming to the cottage this summer.

Rainie knows that this summer will be different. As she and her dad do the things they’ve always done at the cottage, Rainie is painfully aware of her mom’s absence. Throughout the summer Rainie watches a pair of loons on the lake””watches as they lay eggs, hatch babies, and are together as a loon family.

“My teacher says loons stay together for life. Why can’t you and Mom?” she asks her dad.

Loon Summer is an authentic, hopeful story of a child adjusting to the difficult reality of changes in her own family. As summer progresses, Rainie grows in her trust and understanding of the unconditional love each of her parents will always have for her.

You can pick up a copy of this title at Amazon.com, or direct from Eerdmans Books. For this title, there is also a helpful, free discussion guide.

Disclaimer: These books were provided by Eerdman Books for review. I was under no obligation to offer a favorable review.

10 Points to Consider Before You Contemplate Divorce

~ Bob Hayton ~ 3 Comments

It boggles my mind that so many Christians today are convinced that divorce is a viable option for them. They agree that the Bible generally frowns on divorce, and that it isn’t best. But in their situation…. If we just knew how rough they had it, we’d understand!

To those in that place, let me offer some advice. Here are 10 points I pray you’d consider carefully before you ever contemplate divorce. [And I’m referring to divorce without any Biblical warrant such as adultery or abandonment.]

1) If you claim that Jesus is your Lord, ask yourself this: “Does my Lord and Master agree with me on this decision? Does Jesus really want me to divorce my spouse?”

2) If you think He does agree with you, then look a little more closely at the following Bible passage:

And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”… And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery. (Matt. 19:3-6, 9)

Jesus, our Lord, makes it very clear that divorce for just any old reason is not permissible.

3) You might say, “that is just your interpretation of this passage.” To that, I would reply with a question. “How then, can you know anything about God, salvation, eternal life or anything?” If you can’t take God at His Word here, and you prefer to twist it to allow an exception for yourself, who’s to stop you from twisting any other passage? And who’s to say we’re not wrong about everything when it comes to Christianity?

4) Now let me try a different approach. Consider Jesus and His bride, the church. All believers are part of His church — we are His bride. Aren’t you glad Jesus hasn’t left you? Can you even contemplate the possibility that Jesus would leave you?

5) If we are thankful that Jesus loves us, and that He doesn’t leave us when the relationship doesn’t offer enough return on His investment, shouldn’t that influence how we treat our spouse? After all, Jesus’ forgiveness of our sin is the basis for our obligation to forgive others (Eph. 4:32). And even more soberly, if we don’t forgive others, we can not expect Jesus to forgive us (Matt. 6:14-15).

6) If you’re tracking with me even a little bit, I hope the following passage will perhaps connect with you more powerfully.

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph. 5:24-26, 31-33)

No I’m not preaching at you here. No one lives up to the ideal presented in this teaching. Instead, look at the picture. Christ loves his church, and men ought to love their wives the same way. The church respects & submits to Christ, and wives ought so to respect their husbands. What will your divorce say about Christ and the church? How does what you’re about to do fit with this picture? As Christians we are to be “like Christ”. Divorce is entirely unlike Christ.

7) Here’s another angle, does a promise matter anymore? If you take back your promise to your spouse, do you think it’d be fine if Christ took back some of his promises to you? Isn’t this just a “lie” plain and simple? There may not be a more serious and damaging lie than the lie of divorce.

8) Another, and perhaps even more serious consideration focuses on the nature of sin. Sin is deceptive. It often feels right, but it isn’t. Sin can even give a temporary pleasure, but it won’t satisfy. The blatant sinner is one who convinces himself that there is very little sin in his actions. If you honestly think this divorce you are considering is not a terrible sin, you need to heed the warnings in the next 2 points.

9) Sin must be punished. Adultery (which is Jesus’ words for unwarranted divorce) is sin of the first degree. Adulterers don’t inherit the kingdom of God, unless they are washed and sanctified (1 Cor. 6:9-11). And people who claim to be washed and sanctified cannot lightly commit adultery, without risking serious injury to their soul.

10) You say, but this is all just so hard! You don’t know how hard this whole trial of a marriage has been. I do know. It’s not easy. Neither is fighting the sin of pornography, or any number of other sins which our sinful society so strongly encourages. It’s not easy to choose the narrow way that leads to life, and we aren’t promised a life full of roses with no thorns. The words of the author of Hebrews seem especially appropriate here.

…let us lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us…

Consider [Jesus] who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood…

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore, lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive… for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.

See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and casues trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. For you know that afterward, when he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears. (Heb. 12:1b, 3-4, 11-17)

I want what’s best for you, really. I don’t want you to miss out on “the peaceful fruit of righteousness”, and the joy of seeing the Lord, because you didn’t like God’s painful discipline and couldn’t fight for “the holiness without which no one will see the Lord”. I fear you are ready to sell your birthright “for a single meal” and miss out on so much. And like Esau, you may find yourself crossing a line to the point of no return — a place where, when you come to your senses and even seek for a chance to repent, you won’t be able to. That is what I fear the most.

Friend, I hope these points will help you. And for those like me who know people considering divorce, may you find this article helpful. May God be pleased to intervene and gloriously change hearts and heal relationships.