Tag: Family

“With One Voice: Singleness, Dating & Marriage to the Glory of God” by Alex & Marni Chediak

~ Bob Hayton ~ 11 Comments

I’ll get right to it. With One Voice: Singleness, Dating and Marriage to the Glory of God by Alex & Marni Chediak is one of the best books I’ve read in a while. Aside from skillful wordsmithing and intuitive organization, the book hits a home run when it comes to addressing the topic at hand.

There are not too many books out there which deal with how to find a mate, yet are written from a wholly Christian and Biblical perspective. And even then, some of the books which qualify as Biblical and Christian major on a specific dating (or anti-dating) method to the detriment of a well-rounded Christian philosophy of dating in general. This book provides just that: a distinctly Christian approach to the philosophy of singleness, dating, and marriage.

Alex Chediak, with the help of his wife Marni, begins the book by detailing the pervasive cultural changes which influence our view of dating. He shows how a changing job market has spread out families, and focused on the value of individuals in the marketplace. Technological and commercial advances have coupled with the increasingly personalized society to lure courtship from the parents’ front porch to the drive-in movie theater and eventually to live-in relationships. The Chediaks also highlight how the new concept of delayed adolescence gave room for today’s entertainment and me-oriented culture. One widespread result of these cultural changes is the tendency for young adults to remain single until they are almost 30. Confronted with these changes, which certainly threaten a Christian view of marriage and sexuality, Alex doesn’t just settle for an appeal to bring back the golden days of yesteryear. He calls such nostalgic responses “unwarranted and misplaced”, which often “fall short of addressing the heart issues”. Men have always been sinful. The Christian response should be to study culture with a view of applying Biblical principles in such a way as to redeem and confront it.

After setting the stage, the book goes on to emphasize that marriage should be normal. Excepting those gifted for lifelong singleness, marriage is God’s will for the Christian young person. That being the case, cross-gender relationships should not be all about fun and enjoyment, rather they should be intentionally focused on the reality of marriage. Before detailing how a single adult should go about finding a mate, Alex & Marni lay an important foundation by discussing a Biblical view of masculinity and femininity, and the concepts of leading and submitting. They do this, because one of the book’s primary themes is for singles to focus on becoming the right kind of person first, before looking for the right potential mate.

The wisdom of the Chediaks shine through in the final two chapters detailing how to “choose [a mate] wisely” and “proceed carefully” with your relationship. There is a wealth of wisdom available as they discuss objective and subjective considerations necessary in a prospective mate, and the intentional and careful progression of a relationship. There couldn’t be a more practical “how to” book for this process, yet at the same time the book gives plenty of space for a variety of methods to be used. Instead of a detailed prescription, the book offers an undergirding framework of Bibilical principles upon which to erect a healthy and successful, Biblically faithful relationship.

This book comes at the marriage issue from a Biblically faithful, conservative theology. It does not offer a theological defense of a complementarian view of masculinity and femininity. Nor does it defend the Biblical priority of marriage and denial of extra-marital sexual activity. Instead it assumes these views and aims to be very practical. This in good part forms the strength of the book. It helps you think Biblically about marriage and dating, and supports you in your quest for a godly mate. I wish I had such a book when I was thinking through my own dating philosophy. It would have saved me much time and grief in thinking through such things on my own!

There isn’t much to say by way of criticizing the book. Perhaps it could have brought up the influence of the romantic movement in the 1800s on society’s present view of dating and marriage. Also some of the statistics on page 22 are a little hard to follow. But all in all, this is a fantastic book. It is extremely easy to read, with large font and a well-written, fast moving arrangement. It is a short read, being only about 140 pages long; yet it will be an incredibly profitable read. I recommend the book to singles everywhere of any age, and also to youth pastors, pastors and parents. Indeed, there is much wisdom available even for those singles who feel especially frustrated in finding a mate. So by all means get this book, you’ll thank me later!

Note: you can learn more about the authors and the book here.

Disclaimer: This book was provided by the author. The reviewer was under no obligation to offer a positive review.

This book is available for purchase at the following sites: Westminster Bookstore, Amazon.com, or direct from Christian Focus.

Loving and Serving Both Wife and Family

~ Bob Hayton ~ 4 Comments

I’m terrible with books. I pick one up and put one down. I start one, two, three and take forever to finish them. I haven’t finished the books showcased  on my sidebar yet, and already have begun others. That is the way I am, and I am trying to get better.

Anyway, I recently picked up the book Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know by C.J. Mahaney. I was planning on giving it to someone for a wedding gift, and then I started reading it for myself. It is very quick reading and I’m already almost half way done. Since posts around here have been too rare lately, I thought I could post some thoughts about what I’ve been thinking as I have started this book.

About the Book.

Yes, as the title indicates, the book is about sex. And it focuses on Song of Solomon. But I have read 50 pages and still have not come to the sex part. While I would not say sex is not important and good, I was not looking for a sex manual or anything. And this book is certainly not that. It really only contains 2 chapters which deal with that subject. No, this book is more of a theology of marriage which provides just the right backdrop for a look at how Solomon deals with sex.

I haven’t read the whole thing yet, but it looks like one of the best books I have read on the topic. It sets sex in the proper and Biblical context in which God intended it to be so great. And it calls men—Christian men—to love and romance their wife. It calls us to lead in deepening our marriages and strengthening the love we share with our wives.

The Purpose of Marriage.

Mahaney reminded me afresh of the true purpose of marriage. Ephesians 5:31-32 says, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” So marriage then is intended to be a picture of how Christ relates to his Church. Let me quote Mahaney at this point, since his words are much more adequate than mine:

Please don’t think of this as merely a helpful illustration or an interesting perspective. It’s much more than that. This is the essence of marriage. This is the divine purpose for your marriage….

So we see that there is a purpose in marriage that goes beyond personal fulfillment. Something of the selfless love, care, and sacrifice that Jesus shows toward the Church is supposed to be evident in you as you relate to your wife. Something of the respect, submission, and devotion that the Church shows toward Jesus is supposed to be evident in your wife as she relates to you. That’s the purpose for your marriage. That is why God has given her to you, and you to her. [pp. 23-25; underlined emphasis was italic in original]

Romancing Your Wife.

The part of the book which has been most helpful and most challenging so far has been its call for men to romance their wives. Mahaney encourages us to plan and work at delighting our wife in any number of small yet meaningful ways. He provides practical pointers and suggestions and strongly encourages a weekly date of some kind.

The truth he wants us to remember, if nothing else from this book is this: “In order for romance to deepen, you must touch the heart and mind of your wife before you touch her body.” [emphasis his, page 28]

In this section he provides a must-ask question: “Do you feel more like a mother or a wife?” [pg. 29]

Concerning this point he continues:

There can be a selfish, sinful tendency among husbands to view their wives as a goal that, once achieved, is then taken for granted. That is how a wife with children comes to feel primarily like a mother. And that is why the very idea of asking a question like this can cause many husbands to swallow hard and consider going off to watch a little TV. But please don’t—I want this to be an encouragement to you.

…A variety of legitimate activities may consume huge quantities of your wife’s time….But whatever your situation, if you make it a priority to love and care for your wife as Christ does the Church…God will touch her heart so that, even when surrounded by diapers, dishes, and diseases, she can answer that question with joy: “I feel more like a wife.”

…Motherhood is exceptionally important. It calls for immense sacrifices and deserves great honor. But I can say with full conviction that according to Scripture, motherhood is never to be a wife’s primary role. In fact, I think the most effective mothers are wives who are being continually, biblically romanced by their husbands. [pg. 30]

Loving and Serving Your Family.

Finally, I wanted to quote just a brief story Mahaney shares which was a challenge and encouragement for me to remember that I am to love and serve my wife and family as Christ serves and loves the Church.

When our first two children were still quite young, I realized that my commute home in the evening was functioning as little more than a review of my day. As far as I was concerned, by the time I got in that car, my responsibilities were pretty much over until the next morning. I saw my home as a refuge, a place where the emphasis, for me, was on being served rather than on leading and serving with Christlike love.

In God’s mercy, he showed me the selfish motivation I was bringing home each evening. I saw that my commute could be best utilized as a time of transition, so that I might be prepared to finish the day by loving and serving my family well.

So I made a practice of pulling the car over a few blocks from my home so I could take a couple of minutes to make an effective transition in my soul. There on the side of the road, I meditated on Ephesians 5 as well as on some other passages. I confessed to God my sinful tendency to be selfish and sought to prepare my heart to serve my wife and children when I arrived home. In this way I learned to see my home as the context where I have my greatest privilege and opportunity to serve…. [pp. 50-51]

Read part 2 ofthis review.

Hyper Fundamentalism and the Family

~ fundyreformed ~ 13 Comments

A few weeks ago I received the following comment on my blog:

I am not sure what your blog was talking about, but I gather that you understand about the strictness of fundamental Baptist churches.
My son is in one, and I am gathering information about this church. It is independent and the pastor controls everything the members do. I only see my son Thanksgiving and Christmas. Probably not at all now, since I will not attend his church. I was saved in that church and immediately left soon after, when I realized what it was about. I am attending another church. If you can help me, I would appreciate it. —A Reader

I wish the predicament that this dear lady finds herself in were uncommon. But, sadly, this is all too common in hyper fundamentalism. I have encountered several examples to a greater or lesser degree myself, personally. And I am sure my readers have their own sad stories to add here.

Long before I ever made a break from fundamentalism, I felt this was wrong. A certain relative of mine treated his wife’s parents very badly—with great disrespect, I believe. Although at the time they were driving a long distance to go to a fundamental Baptist  church they could agree with, he apparently viewed them as not good enough for him to spend any time with them. The decency of visiting and loving the family God gave him was downplayed and evidently separation and loyalty to his own church and movement emphasized. But hey, isn’t Deut. 5:16 still Bible?

My Dad always warned me to be on the lookout for any emphasis to distrust your family or to not go home over the holidays. And indeed among some students, the implication was that if you stayed over the summer, or if you stayed over the Christmas break that you were a more devoted Christian. Or at least that is the impression one could get (especially if they did not come from one of the churches which strongly supported the college).

I can’t say the church and college I went to explicitly taught us to distrust your family or to separate from them. In fact they emphasized that we go home and be a help to our churches. But in the teaching they gave concerning the family, they made it very clear that your family could be very wrongly influenced by your relatives and you needed to be extremely careful. Generally, I would agree, to an extent. But that advice was often taken to an extreme.

People whose children are still faithful Christians, albeit not fundamentalists (or not as much a fundamentalist as the parents would like), practice a firm separation from them. It is unnatural and ungodly. And yes, I have heard first hand of such goings on. And in this lady’s example above, she is facing such separation from her children.

Can’t strict fundamentalists appreciate that God is at work in their families’ lives—even if they aren’t fundamentalists? Can’t they agree on the big things like love for Christ, mutual faith, salvation, the fundamentals, etc., and then agree to disagree on the minor issues which define them as fundamentalists?

Does anyone else see this as a big problem for hyper fundamentalists (IFBx)? Is the problem wider than just this segment of fundamentalism? Does anyone else think that this trait of IFBx is one which seems very similar to a cultish characteristic?

I am interested in your responses. And lastly, does anyone have any hope to offer this reader? I encourage her to look to Christ and trust Him for support and love. She should also get involved in a good church where she can be ministered to. And then, she should try to love her son and family and try to show them she is a dedicated Christian, albeit not a fundamentalist. Any other thoughts?