Tag: fathers

Elyse Fitzpatrick on Parenting & the False Notion that Our Kids’ Salvation Depends on Us

~ Bob Hayton ~ 1 Comment

Another insightful excerpt from the new book, Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick & Jessica Thompson:

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Works righteousness is a deadly and false variation of godly obedience. Godly obedience is motivated by love for God and trust in his gracious plan and power. Works righteousness is motivated by unbelief; it is a reliance on our abilities and a desire to control outcomes. Works righteousness eventuates in penance: I’ll make it up to you by redoubling my efforts tomorrow! rather than repentance: Lord forgive me for my sin today. Thank you that you love me in spite of all my failures. In parenting, works righteousness will cause us to be both fearful and demanding. When we see our failures, we will be overcome with fear: I really blew it with my kids today. I’m so afraid that I’m going to ruin them! When we see their failures, we’ll be overly demanding: I’ve already told you what I want you to do. Didn’t you hear me? I must have told you fifty times in the last five minutes. I’m sick to death of your terrible attitude. You need to listen to me and do what I say without any complaints or grunts or eye rolls. Just do it! It’s obvious how both responses feed off each other in a never-ending cycle of anger and despair and penance.

Works righteousness obliterates the sweet comforts of grace because it cuts us off from God, who alone is the giver of grace. It cuts us off because he absolutely insists on being our sole Savior. This is his claim: “I, I am the LORD, and besides me there is no savior” (Isa. 43:11; see also 45:21). We are not nor can we be the saviors of our children. He is the Savior. When we forget this, our parenting will be pockmarked by fear, severity, and exhaustion.

On the other hand, when we rest in his gracious work we will experience the comforts he has provided for us. He delights in being worshiped as the One who “richly provides us with everything to enjoy” (1 Tim. 6:17). He loves flooding our consciences with the peace that comes from knowing our sins are forgiven and our standing before him is completely secure. When we’re quietly resting in grace, we’ll have grace to give our children, too. When we’re freed from the ultimate responsibility of being their savior, we’ll find our parenting burden becoming easy and light. [excerpted from pg. 55 of Give them Grace, published by Crossway Books]

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I can’t help but adding a side-note here. Most IFBx preachers I know pastor their church by this same false notion that the salvation of their flock depends on them. They encourage parents to be harsh with their kids as being the only way to win them ultimately to the Lord. All the while, God’s grace sits untapped in the corner and the legalism factory churns along with everybody working overtime….

You can pick up a copy of this important book on parenting (and the Gospel of God’s grace) at the following retailers: , Monergism Books, Christianbook.com, Amazon.com, and direct from Crossway Books.

Elyse Fitzpatrick on Parenting by means of the Gospel or the Law

~ Bob Hayton


I’ve just started into Crossway’s new title Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson. It is going to take some time to go through it because it is so powerful and packed with quite the punch. It’s at the same time oozing with grace and has the potential to transform our parenting.

So I present here an excerpt from chapter 1, from pages 33 and 36-37. To learn more about the book, check out the book detail page at Crossway.org, read the book’s introduction and all of chapter 1, or watch this 90 minute video from Desiring God.

There is a marked difference between this kind of gracious parenting and the moralistic parenting I did when I was raising my children. I would alternately tell them that they were good when they sat quietly or tell them that they had to close their eyes and pray or be disciplined when they were bad. My parenting had very little to do with the gospel. I assumed my children had regenerate hearts because they had prayed a prayer at some point and because I required religious obedience from them. This resulted in kids who were alternately hypocritical and rebellious. It taught them how to feign prayer, without pressing them to long for the Savior who loved hypocrites and rebels.

Religious obedience is probably the most difficult and dangerous form of obedience simply because it is so easily confused with conformity to God’s law. It’s the place where most Christian families go terribly wrong. Yes, we are commanded to teach the Word, prayer and worship to our children, but their acquiescence to these things won’t save them. Only the righteous life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ saves them….

Yes, give them God’s law. Teach it to them and tell them that God commands obedience. But before you are done, give them grace and explain again the beautiful story of Christ’s perfect keeping of it for them. Jesus Christ was the only one who ever deserved to hear, “You are good,” but he relinquished his right relationship with the law and his Father and suffered as a lawbreaker. This is the message we all need to hear, and it is the only message that will transform hearts.

…Everything that isn’t gospel is law. Let us say it again: everything that isn’t gospel is law. Every way we try to make our kids good that isn’t rooted in the good news of the life, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ is damnable, crushing, despair-breeding, Pharisee-producing law. We won’t get the results we want from the law. We’ll get either shallow self-righteousness or blazing rebellion or both (frequently from the same kid on the same day!). We’ll get moralistic kids who are cold and hypocritical and who look down on others (and could easily become Mormons), or you’ll get teens who are rebellious and self-indulgent and who can’t wait to get out of the house. We have to remember that in the life of our unregenerate children, the law is given for one reason only: to crush their self-confidence and drive them to Christ.

The law also shows believing children what gospel-engendered gratitude looks like. But one thing is for sure: we aren’t to give our children the law to make them good. It won’t, because it can’t. In our hearts we know that’s true because the law hasn’t made us good, either, has it? [bolded emphasis, mine]

You can purchase a copy of this excellent book at Westminster Bookstore, Monergism Books, Christianbook.com, Amazon.com, or direct from Crossway.

Disclaimer: This book was provided by Crossway Books. I was under no obligation to offer a favorable review.

Quotes to Note 14: Christian Hedonism in The Shepherd of Hermas??

~ Bob Hayton ~ 4 Comments

I’ve been reading through a nice little edition of The Apostolic Fathers recently put out by Moody Press. Today, I came across a section in The Shepherd of Hermas that sounds a bit like what John Piper might say. I’m not endorsing everything in The Shepherd of Hermas, there are plenty of reasons why it shouldn’t be considered to be canonical (or part of the NT), but this little bit caught my attention. Let me know what you make of it or what you think of this quote.

I’m quoting from the 10th commandment which focuses specifically on grief caused by the inability to do something through doubt or grief after getting wrongfully angry over something.

Both these are grievous to the Holy Spirit– doubt and anger. Wherefore remove grief from you, and crush not the Holy Spirit which dwells in you, lest he entreat God against you, and he withdraw from you. For the Spirit of God which has been granted to us to dwell in this body does not endure grief nor straitness. Wherefore put on cheerfulness, which always is agreeable and acceptable to God, and rejoice in it. For every cheerful man does what is good, and minds what is good, and despises grief; but the sorrowful man always acts wickedly…. For the entreaty of the sorrowful man has no power to ascend to the altar of God [because] grief… mingled with his entreaty, does not permit the entreaty to ascend pure to the altar of God…. Cleanse yourself from this wicked grief, and you will live to God; and all will live to God who drive away grief from them, and put on all cheerfulness. [pg. 222 of the 2009 Moody edition of The Apostolic Fathers]