Tag: journey

My How Time Flies: Six Months of Silence

~ Bob Hayton ~ 4 Comments

Over the last 11 years of blogging, I’ve seen many blogs start and many end. Some of you are thinking that my blog has ended due to about six months of silence! No, I’m not going to bring this all to a close. But I did want to say a word about the last several months.

Fifteen months ago our eighth child was born. Hannah Mercy is her name and we all were shown great mercy through the circumstances surrounding her birth. She weighed just 2 lbs. 1 oz., and was seven weeks premature. Just three weeks after coming home, she developed RSV and faced a life-critical stay in the hospital. She pulled through and is doing well now, and we were so blessed by undergoing that trial and seeing so many friends and family come together and support our family. She is doing very well and about to walk here, any day now.

Just a few weeks after Hannah came home from the hospital (the second time), we had some truly devastating news about my brother. Since March we’ve been dealing with his unfaithfulness to his wife and his subsequent departure from the mission field. He has walked away from the faith, and relocated to our neck of the woods. His wife and children live separately from him and are getting by, but are still so hurt by all of this. We have been caring for them and trying to be there for counsel and support. I’ve been speaking into my brother’s life: trying to both warn and love him at the same time (but not enable him).

This has been a dark and trying time for my family, and these are by no means the only burdens and trials we bear. Parenting eight children (the oldest are now 11, 12 and 13) keeps us busy as well!

I hope to write more on the topic of suffering and faith, on standing firm in trial and seeing God bless you in the storm. I plan to grapple more with apologetics and the defense of the faith, as well. A friend at my church encouraged me to share more of my story online for other’s benefit. I hope to do so in time.

I plan to continue to read and review books, and comment on other items as well. But my ministry here is only one part of my calling. Being the right husband and father to my wife and children comes first. Being there for my immediate family comes next. Participating in the ministry of our local church is important too. Priorities matter, and this time away from my blog has helped me live that truth.

I am not perfect, and I’m still a project; but I hope to help and bless others as God enables me. I hope to use this blog and the platform I’ve built in a way that honors God. Thanks to all of you who read my blog. If you can, think about our family and pray as God leads you. Don’t assume something like this can’t happen to your brother or your husband, or your father, your friend. God bless and help us all as we “fight the good fight of faith” (1 Tim. 6:12a).

Leaving the Village

~ Bob Hayton ~ 2 Comments

village

It takes a great deal of courage to follow the Lord’s call and leave the only church you’ve ever known. When I shared my story of leaving extreme fundamentalism, I was trying to deal with the trauma in one sense, but I also wanted to find camaraderie and support from others via the internet. I had become aware that I wasn’t the only one experiencing the turmoil of finally seeing the world through different eyes.

Over the years, I’ve had numerous expressions of thanks as people have commented on my blog posts or contacted me via email or Facebook. I’ve also had my share of ill-will directed toward me, as people assume that our dramatic change was a cop-out and an excuse to live it up in the world. In truth, it was the hardest thing my wife and I ever did: we risked alienating ourselves from both sides of our family and ruining the only real friendships we had.

There are now a lot of ex-fundamentalist blogs out there. And there are a host of other “survivor” type blogs as well. Some exaggerate the problems of fundamentalism, others jettison any connection with Christianity at all. The internet is a mixed bag, for sure. But it has helped shed light on the beliefs and practices of any group. Mormons have found the internet and are starting to see the problems in their church’s historical dogmas. And countless others have been rescued from cults as they do their own secret internet research.

Like anything, the internet in the wrong hands can be bad. But the truth is not ashamed of honest inquiry: which is why Christianity has and will only continue to flourish in the internet age.

I say all this by way of introduction as I want to direct your attention to a new blog from a Facebook friend of mine. It is called Leaving the Village and describes his own exodus from a legalistic, controlling faith community. His story is very similar to mine, in some respects. And for those struggling to decide how to proceed in their own faith journey, reading his story may be a blessing. He doesn’t try to trash his former church but is sharing his heart and how it felt to go through the process that lead to his “leaving the village.”

In his message to me he shares his motivation for the blog:

Hey Bob, your blog and story were a huge help to me when I was walking away from ——. Just simply knowing I wasn’t alone was one of the biggest things I needed to see.

I just started a blog to try to tell my story and help young guys in the same way you helped me. I’m trying to get the word out about it, but I’m not linking directly through my own social media yet. I don’t want my former pastor to just dismiss the blog as a hit piece. I’m writing with a bit of anonymity, but not pulling any punches.

Anyways, I was wondering if you might consider reading the first post and possibly sharing it on your blog. No pressure, I just wanted to ask you to consider it.

Regardless of what you do, thanks again for the encouragement you gave me.

Go over and read his first post. Then bookmark his site, as it promises to be good reading.

Here is an excerpt to get you started:

It’s hard to imagine unless you’ve been there. One decision, one moment changing the whole course of your life and the life of your family. Regardless of your story, everyone faces life changing decisions at some point, but the feelings of angst and terror seem to be multiplied when those decisions involve leaving a religious cult.

I know, the word cult is a loaded term. It’s also pretty polarizing. Those within the cult never see it as a cult. If they did, they would leave. But those outside it look back in and, at least in my case, ask questions like, “How did I stay duped for so long?” or “Why do people stay?” Calling something a cult has far less to do with its message and far more to do with its methods. But again, that’s a subjective definition that someone inside a cult is bound to disagree with….

My goal is not… to correct misguided beliefs or point out the flaws of others. We all hold presuppositions, more than we care to admit, and attempts at correcting your presuppositions will only go as far as you allow them.

Instead, I want to share my story–a story of angst, a story of searching for truth, a story of a guy looking for a God who was there all along, guiding each step of the journey. I know my audience is small. Not too many people grew up in “a village.” But if you’re one that did and you’re reading this, then know this, you are not alone. Rather than try to convince you of one position against another, I simply want to meet you in the journey and share in the feelings and longings that can be down right terrifying.

My prayer is that you know the road you walk is not one walked alone. Leaving the village and embracing the mystery of a life of faith in Jesus was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Another Reader’s Story

~ Bob Hayton

Often I receive emails from readers who have stumbled across “my story.” Most of them thank me for taking the time to share as they have gone through similar circumstances and are helped by my own experience. Sometimes these emails or Facebook messages include a detailed story from the reader — of their own journey with respect to fundamentalism. I have shared a few reader’s stories so far, and now have another story to add to the mix.

I have made some slight edits and changed some of the details to protect this reader’s privacy, but she is a real person sharing her thoughts and questions about fundamentalism.

Hello, Bob. I ran across your blog on the internet again, from when I first saw it, 2 yrs ago. 🙂 You took my thoughts and words right out of my mind and heart as I read your Story.

I’ll put this as short as I can. We ended up moving to the deep south in 92. We were invited to an IFB revival meeting week. My husband gets saved, and we are for the next 7 yrs immersed in an IFB church and culture and all that you describe. As a wife and mother, the church ladies made legalism, dress code, and etc. look very holy and right.

7 yrs later, we move to a rural Westerm state where there was no IFB church at all in a 50+ mile range. So we took a daring step to attend a local Bible church. Boy were our eyes and hearts opened to our once KJV-only, strict ideals of a Godly life! We were opened up to a world of other Christians (imagine that!), who were not hindered by all the IFB oddities. We saw for the first time in 7 years what real grace, love and joy in the Lord looks like! We realized we can sing praise and worship songs and hymns in the same service and still be OK!!

Move forward about 14 more years. We are still out west and about 2 yrs ago now, we move closer to larger town. This time we tried to go back to an IFB church and drove 45 miles to attend one in a larger town. 10 months later we realized we aren’t as IFB as we use to be! God had opened our eyes, grew our hearts and we then saw how actually depressing, small minded and small world this IFB church is.

We now attend for the last 2 years a non-denominational community church where God is passionately preached and worship is so real that it just brings tears of joy to my eyes! 🙂 The people are very kind, loving, REAL, and have a zeal for life we’ve not really seen in most IFB churches we attended.

My question is… is this normal to swing so far away from the IFB ways? Are there more ex-IFB attenders seeing what I’m seeing and you have seen? I feel we are all saved by grace, and we’re just filthy rags in God’s eyes, but through His grace and love we are HIS, and I no longer feel pressured to have more children because that’s what other IFB ladies do. Or pressured to wear skirts all the time, etc…. I think you get the picture.

We are pondering going to a revival in the IFB church we left on good standing, but that now has a new pastor. The evangelist is ——— ———–. We would like to attend because we sometimes miss that “good old fashioned” preaching like when my husband got saved. Do you know of this evangelist? Is he a moderate IFB or from the “I will not be moved at all” type? LOL

Also I might add, expository style preaching, verse by verse is where it’s at!! Our pastor we have now is awesome. We don’t miss the topical style preaching. I’ve always felt it was lacking a good Bible base, and has too much of pastor talk or shout.

Well, thanks for your input, like I said, you took the words out of my mouth! I do sometimes feel guilty for us moving on to a non-denominational church, but God is putting peace in me as the years go by.

Peace and God bless!

Part of my reply to her was:

Hi ——.

Thanks for your note. You are not alone. So many have traveled the same road and learned the same truth. Not all IFB churches are bad, but so many just miss out on a wider world of God’s grace and goodness. That isn’t to say there aren’t problem churches that aren’t IFB. Not just anything goes, mind you. But there are so many sincere, godly churches that just don’t do church by IFB rules.

I haven’t heard of Evangelist ——— …. There can be good preaching, but so much is shallow and emotional. And IFB churches are so focused now (more than ever) on keeping people in the fold. As long as you know what you’re getting into, it wouldn’t hurt to attend one night. But that is up to you and your husband and how God directs you.

Enjoy the freedom in Christ. I loved your story. From time to time, I like to share stories like this on my blog with personal names and details removed. If you were interested in letting me share it, I would. But I never do so without permission. I’ve had literally hundreds contact me and thank me for what I’m doing or share part of their story like you did – so know that you are not alone.

Either way, God bless you and yours. Glad you stumbled across my blog.

In Christ,

Bob Hayton
FundamentallyReformed.com

She replied, giving me permission to share this with my readers. Here is part of her reply.

Thanks for writing back so quick. You are welcome to post my story — it is the shortened version. 🙂

I do believe it took the straightforward, hard evangelist-style preaching to get my husband’s attention, short of a tallking donkey. 🙂 Tthe IFB church was his first real introduction to church, so it is near and dear to his heart….

3 of our 5 kids have prayed with Dad to accept Christ as their Savior. The 2 youngest are too young to understand, but they will not know the stressful lifestyle of the IFB church upbringing. Instead they will learn how to have a life in Christ full of grace and a good biblical world view.

Have a great day~

An Open Letter to First Baptist Church of Hammond, IN – from Jack Hyles’ Daughter Linda

~ Bob Hayton ~ 5 Comments

Today, Jack Schaap was sentenced to 12 years in federal prison for his crime. I wrote about this issue when it happened, and recently the lurid details were unveiled by the prosecuting attorney. (More here and here.)

Linda Murphrey, daughter of Jack Hyles — the former pastor of First Baptist Hammond, at one time the self-proclaimed largest church in the world — has written an open letter to the church at this time, knowing Schaap’s sentencing was scheduled for today. Schaap is her brother-in-law, and Linda grew up on the inside of the ministry, and in the very home of, the most powerful man in fundamentalism in the 1970s and 80s. Her letter includes an apology and an admission of the secret double life that Hyles lived, and Schaap perpetuated.

For anyone who knows something of the history of First Baptist of Hammond, and Jack Hyles, this letter is quite amazing to read. It is written with such grace and humility, fervor and love, and above all, honesty. I encourage you to read it and pray for the future of First Baptist of Hammond. The current leadership there has a vested interest to deny the truth of Linda’s letter. This wing of fundamentalism cannot admit that Hyles was phony. So much of their very ethos is tied to his persona — at least it would seem. But I pray that many who have been shaken by these events can find grace and help in her first-hand testimony. May her final words come true:

Hopefully this is a new beginning for the thousands of walking wounded. Hopefully the end of an era has arrived. And hopefully the baton has finally been destroyed.

As you move forward, may you find complete healing from all that has hurt you. May you find peace from the turmoil caused by the abuse of religion. May you abandon man-worship and forsake the venomous spirit of fundamentalism.

And may you completely undo the God of Jack Hyles, embark on a personal journey to discover who God really is and experience a joyful life living in complete freedom and truth. [link to Linda’s letter]