Tag: personal

Leaving the Village

~ Bob Hayton ~ 2 Comments

village

It takes a great deal of courage to follow the Lord’s call and leave the only church you’ve ever known. When I shared my story of leaving extreme fundamentalism, I was trying to deal with the trauma in one sense, but I also wanted to find camaraderie and support from others via the internet. I had become aware that I wasn’t the only one experiencing the turmoil of finally seeing the world through different eyes.

Over the years, I’ve had numerous expressions of thanks as people have commented on my blog posts or contacted me via email or Facebook. I’ve also had my share of ill-will directed toward me, as people assume that our dramatic change was a cop-out and an excuse to live it up in the world. In truth, it was the hardest thing my wife and I ever did: we risked alienating ourselves from both sides of our family and ruining the only real friendships we had.

There are now a lot of ex-fundamentalist blogs out there. And there are a host of other “survivor” type blogs as well. Some exaggerate the problems of fundamentalism, others jettison any connection with Christianity at all. The internet is a mixed bag, for sure. But it has helped shed light on the beliefs and practices of any group. Mormons have found the internet and are starting to see the problems in their church’s historical dogmas. And countless others have been rescued from cults as they do their own secret internet research.

Like anything, the internet in the wrong hands can be bad. But the truth is not ashamed of honest inquiry: which is why Christianity has and will only continue to flourish in the internet age.

I say all this by way of introduction as I want to direct your attention to a new blog from a Facebook friend of mine. It is called Leaving the Village and describes his own exodus from a legalistic, controlling faith community. His story is very similar to mine, in some respects. And for those struggling to decide how to proceed in their own faith journey, reading his story may be a blessing. He doesn’t try to trash his former church but is sharing his heart and how it felt to go through the process that lead to his “leaving the village.”

In his message to me he shares his motivation for the blog:

Hey Bob, your blog and story were a huge help to me when I was walking away from ——. Just simply knowing I wasn’t alone was one of the biggest things I needed to see.

I just started a blog to try to tell my story and help young guys in the same way you helped me. I’m trying to get the word out about it, but I’m not linking directly through my own social media yet. I don’t want my former pastor to just dismiss the blog as a hit piece. I’m writing with a bit of anonymity, but not pulling any punches.

Anyways, I was wondering if you might consider reading the first post and possibly sharing it on your blog. No pressure, I just wanted to ask you to consider it.

Regardless of what you do, thanks again for the encouragement you gave me.

Go over and read his first post. Then bookmark his site, as it promises to be good reading.

Here is an excerpt to get you started:

It’s hard to imagine unless you’ve been there. One decision, one moment changing the whole course of your life and the life of your family. Regardless of your story, everyone faces life changing decisions at some point, but the feelings of angst and terror seem to be multiplied when those decisions involve leaving a religious cult.

I know, the word cult is a loaded term. It’s also pretty polarizing. Those within the cult never see it as a cult. If they did, they would leave. But those outside it look back in and, at least in my case, ask questions like, “How did I stay duped for so long?” or “Why do people stay?” Calling something a cult has far less to do with its message and far more to do with its methods. But again, that’s a subjective definition that someone inside a cult is bound to disagree with….

My goal is not… to correct misguided beliefs or point out the flaws of others. We all hold presuppositions, more than we care to admit, and attempts at correcting your presuppositions will only go as far as you allow them.

Instead, I want to share my story–a story of angst, a story of searching for truth, a story of a guy looking for a God who was there all along, guiding each step of the journey. I know my audience is small. Not too many people grew up in “a village.” But if you’re one that did and you’re reading this, then know this, you are not alone. Rather than try to convince you of one position against another, I simply want to meet you in the journey and share in the feelings and longings that can be down right terrifying.

My prayer is that you know the road you walk is not one walked alone. Leaving the village and embracing the mystery of a life of faith in Jesus was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Another Reader’s Story

~ Bob Hayton

Often I receive emails from readers who have stumbled across “my story.” Most of them thank me for taking the time to share as they have gone through similar circumstances and are helped by my own experience. Sometimes these emails or Facebook messages include a detailed story from the reader — of their own journey with respect to fundamentalism. I have shared a few reader’s stories so far, and now have another story to add to the mix.

I have made some slight edits and changed some of the details to protect this reader’s privacy, but she is a real person sharing her thoughts and questions about fundamentalism.

Hello, Bob. I ran across your blog on the internet again, from when I first saw it, 2 yrs ago. 🙂 You took my thoughts and words right out of my mind and heart as I read your Story.

I’ll put this as short as I can. We ended up moving to the deep south in 92. We were invited to an IFB revival meeting week. My husband gets saved, and we are for the next 7 yrs immersed in an IFB church and culture and all that you describe. As a wife and mother, the church ladies made legalism, dress code, and etc. look very holy and right.

7 yrs later, we move to a rural Westerm state where there was no IFB church at all in a 50+ mile range. So we took a daring step to attend a local Bible church. Boy were our eyes and hearts opened to our once KJV-only, strict ideals of a Godly life! We were opened up to a world of other Christians (imagine that!), who were not hindered by all the IFB oddities. We saw for the first time in 7 years what real grace, love and joy in the Lord looks like! We realized we can sing praise and worship songs and hymns in the same service and still be OK!!

Move forward about 14 more years. We are still out west and about 2 yrs ago now, we move closer to larger town. This time we tried to go back to an IFB church and drove 45 miles to attend one in a larger town. 10 months later we realized we aren’t as IFB as we use to be! God had opened our eyes, grew our hearts and we then saw how actually depressing, small minded and small world this IFB church is.

We now attend for the last 2 years a non-denominational community church where God is passionately preached and worship is so real that it just brings tears of joy to my eyes! 🙂 The people are very kind, loving, REAL, and have a zeal for life we’ve not really seen in most IFB churches we attended.

My question is… is this normal to swing so far away from the IFB ways? Are there more ex-IFB attenders seeing what I’m seeing and you have seen? I feel we are all saved by grace, and we’re just filthy rags in God’s eyes, but through His grace and love we are HIS, and I no longer feel pressured to have more children because that’s what other IFB ladies do. Or pressured to wear skirts all the time, etc…. I think you get the picture.

We are pondering going to a revival in the IFB church we left on good standing, but that now has a new pastor. The evangelist is ——— ———–. We would like to attend because we sometimes miss that “good old fashioned” preaching like when my husband got saved. Do you know of this evangelist? Is he a moderate IFB or from the “I will not be moved at all” type? LOL

Also I might add, expository style preaching, verse by verse is where it’s at!! Our pastor we have now is awesome. We don’t miss the topical style preaching. I’ve always felt it was lacking a good Bible base, and has too much of pastor talk or shout.

Well, thanks for your input, like I said, you took the words out of my mouth! I do sometimes feel guilty for us moving on to a non-denominational church, but God is putting peace in me as the years go by.

Peace and God bless!

Part of my reply to her was:

Hi ——.

Thanks for your note. You are not alone. So many have traveled the same road and learned the same truth. Not all IFB churches are bad, but so many just miss out on a wider world of God’s grace and goodness. That isn’t to say there aren’t problem churches that aren’t IFB. Not just anything goes, mind you. But there are so many sincere, godly churches that just don’t do church by IFB rules.

I haven’t heard of Evangelist ——— …. There can be good preaching, but so much is shallow and emotional. And IFB churches are so focused now (more than ever) on keeping people in the fold. As long as you know what you’re getting into, it wouldn’t hurt to attend one night. But that is up to you and your husband and how God directs you.

Enjoy the freedom in Christ. I loved your story. From time to time, I like to share stories like this on my blog with personal names and details removed. If you were interested in letting me share it, I would. But I never do so without permission. I’ve had literally hundreds contact me and thank me for what I’m doing or share part of their story like you did – so know that you are not alone.

Either way, God bless you and yours. Glad you stumbled across my blog.

In Christ,

Bob Hayton
FundamentallyReformed.com

She replied, giving me permission to share this with my readers. Here is part of her reply.

Thanks for writing back so quick. You are welcome to post my story — it is the shortened version. 🙂

I do believe it took the straightforward, hard evangelist-style preaching to get my husband’s attention, short of a tallking donkey. 🙂 Tthe IFB church was his first real introduction to church, so it is near and dear to his heart….

3 of our 5 kids have prayed with Dad to accept Christ as their Savior. The 2 youngest are too young to understand, but they will not know the stressful lifestyle of the IFB church upbringing. Instead they will learn how to have a life in Christ full of grace and a good biblical world view.

Have a great day~

An Accurate Assessment of Christian Fundamentalism

~ Bob Hayton ~ 15 Comments

I came across an excellent article written by Steve Whigham, a graduate of BJU (apparently) and former administrater/faculty member of Northland International University, now working for World Magazine. [HT: Sharper Iron] His thoughts come with the recent controversy at Northland where the university board fired and then subsequently re-hired Matt Olson as president. Steve points out what others have mentioned, that the controversy was precipitated primarily by Northland’s change in its music. Whether or not that charge (that music is what the controversy at Northland is most about) is correct, Whigham’s rehashing of the history of fundamentalism is worth reading. I have excerpted some of the good parts here, but encourage you to read the whole thing.

This brouhaha about Northland has served to remind me of my reasons for not being a part of the fundamentalist movement. As Whigham points out, the original fundamentalists, historic fundamentalism if you will, prized certain fundamental points of doctrine as worth unifying around and defending. The fundamentalist movement today is prizing doctrines that are not truly fundamental — such as one musical style over another, and unifying around and defending these sub-fundamental doctrines. This is something I don’t see as healthy or helpful. Some of the sub-fundamentals that are being prized may well be good and grand in themselves. But the essence of what fundamentalism entails — prioritizing and defending cardinal truths of the gospel — this essence is lost when something less than the gospel becomes the main thing. I tried to say something to this effect years ago in my post, “Minimizing the Gospel through Excessive Separation.”

Here is the except from Whigham’s article, which you should bookmark as a helpful summary of the history and problem of today’s Christian fundamentalism.

In the late 1960’s and following, Fundamentalism mobilized its arsenal to a new battle front: sheltering the Christian faith from the worldly influences of an American culture run amok. Drugs, sex, and rock-and-roll were the targets… As it relates to practical Christian living, for many fundamentalists the mantra became, “It’s better to be safe than sorry.” So, many preachers began to wage campaigns against certain “worldly” behaviors and drew bold lines between the world and the fundamentalist norm. Women’s dress (skirts only, and must cover the knee) must be modest, “mixed” bathing (allowing girls and boys to swim together at the beach or pool) should not be allowed in order to protect each other from youthful lusts, men’s hair length (shouldn’t be over the ear), listening to rock music, smoking, holding hands for unmarried couples, and a host more, became not only expected behaviors within Fundamentalism, but was also touted as clear biblical mandates….

By the end of the 1980’s, the fight against modernism and German higher
criticism appeared to be over, but the fighting spirit of the movement continued… The battle lines were no longer being fought over the core doctrines of the faith (as was true in the early years) but rather over acceptable behaviors for a fundamentalist. The battles were no longer waged over theology, but over practical Christian living.

Today, there’s a new generation rising up within Fundamentalism which has little to no connection to the historical roots of the movement. These young millennials see a community led by perpetually angry leaders obsessed and divided over issues that have little to do with the more important expressions of Christian doctrine. What they perceive instead is a movement that is more about arbitrary command and control tactics to subdue behavior than about Christ’s core intentions for mankind. It’s a battle that appears to them as having shifted away from morals to mores. Many younger members of fundamentalist communities are no longer seeing “the Fundamentalist Cause” as worth fighting for and are choosing to leave the community for less rancorous pastures. What Fundamentalism is currently experiencing is, with a few exceptions, a decline in church attendance, a drop in fundamentalist school enrollment, and even a sharp reduction in the number of fundamentalist pastors and missionaries being sent out.

Fundamentalism is shrinking quickly and losing its next generation. As Fundamentalism shrinks, the remaining voices in the movement are becoming more shrill. In their sermons and blogposts you can sense the desperation….

In the beginning, the issues Fundamentalism chose to rally around united a community. They united because: (1) the issues were authentic fundamentals and (2) unity was still valued as a vital doctrine of the faith. By today’s use of slash-and-burn rhetoric against anyone with a different take on a point of Christian liberty, unity has been devalued. In order to protect the enclave, Christ’s call for unity has been stripped of all its moral weight. Currently, the issues most “surviving fundamentalists” are now opting to rally around divide rather than unite. And as long as their current fields of battle remain the same, I cannot see the end of the shrinking anytime soon….

Another Reader’s Story of Extreme Fundamentalism

~ Bob Hayton ~ 3 Comments

Rather frequently I receive emails from readers who have stumbled across “my story.” Most of them thank me for taking the time to share as they have gone through similar circumstances and are helped by my own experience. Sometimes these emails include a detailed story from the reader, of their own journey with respect to fundamentalism. I shared one such story a while back, and now I have another reader’s story to share.

This particular story comes from an ugly side of fundamentalism. In my estimation, this kind of fundamentalism was quite widespread and common twenty or thirty years ago. It is less common now, I would think this kind of fundamentalism is at a decided minority when it comes to the movement as a whole. My prayer would be that people en masse would wake up to this problem and we would soon only encounter it in the history books. Sadly that is not true yet.

Feel free to comment on the story below, or contact me to share your own story.

Message:

I found your blog as I was doing some internet research on the heretical teachings of Charles Finney. Our pastor mentioned him in his sermon at church yesterday so I was finding things to copy and give to him. It is still beyond me how Finney is hailed as a hero in most Baptist circles, but that is another story for another day. While I visited your site, I was intrigued by your “story” and read it with all diligence. Everything you said rang true with me. I, too, was raised in an IFBx church in the Detroit area, with so much emphasis placed on the outward appearance that it has taken me years to come out from under that. The more “holy” you looked, the more “holy” you obviously were, true self righteousness at its finest. The men were not allowed to have facial hair of any kind as it was considered worldly. The deacon’s wives were not allowed to be seen in public wearing pants. We were preached sermons against playing cards of any kind, including Old Maid (I am showing my age here! HA HA). I remember one time during a period of economic decline of the church (which was VERY typical of the control freak stance of most pastors then who believed their authority gave them license to control everything, including the bookkeeping), our pastor even ordered the members to give their entire paychecks the following week. My dad was a deacon but thankfully did not allow himself to be led by such tyranny. Keep in mind this was during the late 60’s and early 70’s where most middle class people lived in modest frame homes, typically 2 or, at the most, 3 bedrooms and 1 bath. The fact that our pastor lived in a three-story home overlooking the lake and was provided a new luxury car by the church seemed a bit hypocritical to me. There was a mindset that prevailed in the church of extreme everything. It led to an over-the-top arrogancy on the part of its adherents, sometimes to the point of trying to “one up” the next guy by coming up with some new Pharisee-minded rule. True legalism leads to rebellion as people realize they will never be able to keep up, so many simply “jump ship” and pay the consequences of extremism in the opposite direction. I was no exception. I heard Calvinistic preachers like Spurgeon quoted by my pastor but obviously it was the Finney-style Pelagianism that prevailed in the church. I find it comical that many IFBs quote people like Spurgeon but don’t even realize the differences in their doctrinal stand. I am 53 years old and am so thankful that God truly delivered me from all that past. I shudder sometimes when I think of the sermons I regularly heard as a kid and which have stayed with me for all these years. The older I get and the more firmly grounded I get in God’s Word, I look back at these sermons not only with true regret as I see the impact they had on the people, but now it also seems almost comical that people would actually fall for stuff like that. Most of the young people I went to school and church with have simply walked away. Most of the older folks have continued with the legalistic mindset, with few of them being delivered from that. After all, it makes them feel better about themselves. When you mentioned Hyles-Anderson College, my interest piqued even more. My childhood was spent attending the church where ——— ———– of Hyles-Anderson College fame attended. I knew his family well as he, his wife, his three daughters and his sister and her family were church members there. I attended our church’s Christian school and made many trips to Hammond, Indiana for sports competitions against Hyles’ Christian school, of which I don’t even know still exists. I’m also very familiar with ——- ——– and his alma mater, Bob Jones University. Spent many hours there as well for musical competitions. By the time I was in high school, I began to question some of the things I was taught but was still too young and immature, both spiritually and emotionally, to fully understand the concept of my quandary. I wanted to thank you for expressing your thoughts and experiences with IFB theology. It has taken me many years and living through many experiences (many of them quite negative) to fully understand how grateful I am for God’s delivering me from that legalistic life. As I dug more into God’s Word, I realized that I was taught a very man-centered form of gospel. The list of rules and regulations seemed to team well with my already existent perfectionist personality but, as those who find “living by the law” unattainable, it only brought me to the point of defeat, guilt, remorse and a period of totally walking away from the church. I thank God for His ever-present nudging in my life and for Him bringing me full circle to where I am today. I have home schooled and raised my three kids, all are college graduates, faithful in church and thankfully see the heretical teachings of these extreme IFBPs (IFB preachers) that I grew up hearing. Even the never-ending “let’s-just-sing-one-more-verse” invitations still ring in my mind. Surely by playing on people’s emotions, they were determined to “get them saved one way or another”, only to be disgruntled when the “converts” would fall prey to “backsliding.” Instead of determining whether or not true conversion even took place, they always assumed the backsliders were just in need of revival. After all, they must be saved as they “walked the aisle and prayed the prayer.” Keep up the good work. I’m not a blogger (don’t have time) but consider me a faithful reader to what you so boldly have the guts to proclaim. God bless you for your efforts.

Then in a follow up email, she gave permission for me to share her story anonymously and provided some more reflections:

I was saved there at 9 years of age in 1967, although I have had to “come to grips” with all that since then. After all, “praying the prayer” doesn’t accomplish anything. “By their fruits you shall know them.” (Matt. chapter 7)…. We left ———— after one of those famous IFB church splits, and went to —————- when I was in the fifth grade. It was at ————- all those impressionable years that I truly received my IFB indoctrination. I went to [their] Christian school from its formation until my junior year in high school when I begged my parents to let me go to ———– High School. I have always been one of those “independent thinkers” which kept me in trouble a lot at ————-. I began to question things at an early age and stayed in the principal’s office a lot for “attitude problems” as they would say. Governing the school on the demerit system, I certainly got my share of paddlings in the principal’s office! HA HA You would receive a minimum of 3 demerits for each infraction. When you accumulated 10 demerits, you made the infamous walk to the principal’s office and would get your paddling. It was quite humiliating at the time, especially as the very large and thick paddle was used on both the boys and the girls alike. You had to bend over the principal’s desk and simply “take it.” When you returned to your classroom in tears from the pain, you would see the smirks and giggles from those who knew where you’d been. With my dad being a deacon, he was on the board of directors at the school so I guess my “rebellious attitude” had to be tamed somehow! These period of years caused quite a rebellion in my heart as I began to see the legalism prevail. Grace was certainly not a doctrine taught on a regular basis. As a matter of fact, I remember hearing more sermons on the outward appearances rather than having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. While having that relationship was mentioned, it was as if your daily Bible readings and prayer were things to be “checked off” so as to ensure holiness. To this day, I still struggle with the idea of a frowning stern God ready to punish me as opposed to cultivating that personal relationship with Christ. After all, I was taught that if you dot your i’s and cross your t’s, dress a certain way, abstain from all those “worldly” things, then by default, you MUST be holy! A lot of the people I grew up around would be able to put the original Pharisees to shame! As a disclaimer, I certainly do not blame my rebellion on anybody but myself, knowing that I was, and still am, fully accountable to God for my actions. I would never embrace the current culture’s practice of “being a victim” and milking that for all its worth, just to explain away my own sin. I simply want to express the fact that those early years of legalistic indoctrination took its toll. To this day, I am able to see legalism in people much sooner than my husband who was raised in a very traditional Southern Baptist environment. In his early adulthood when he began studying God’s Word seriously for himself, he began to see the thread of Sovereign Grace unfold and began to also question some of the Arminian thoughts and ideas of childhood. About ten years ago we purchased from www.crosstv.com their Sovereign of God series. By far, more people have borrowed that Bible study from us than anything else we’ve purchased through the years! That study had such a profound effect on us that we purchased more studies from them, many of which were done by other teachers. The Sovereignty of God series was explained in such a way that we were finally able to fully articulate to others how our viewpoints of God’s sovereignty had changed us. While all Christian claim to believe in the sovereignty of God, they still try to explain away their man-centered approach to the plan of salvation and other doctrines. They will say that God is sovereign, but they believe it still depends on man’s choice to accept it. We believe it to all be a paradox but simply cannot explain away the last several verses of Romans chapter 8 and tons of other scriptures throughout the Word that dealt with the sovereignty of God. We’ve definitely taken some heat for our Calvinistic stand by our Arminian relatives, at one point even being accused by a relative of not being saved at all. However, this 70-year-old accusing relative had to admit that if we were indeed correct then he himself had been taught wrong and he simply couldn’t come to grips with that!

…

I did not mean to ramble on so long. I just took the opportunity to express some of my thoughts regarding our common IFBx upbringing. To this day, I literally RUN from any IFB-minded people and/or preachers. I won’t even read any books and/or sermons from IFBPs or authors, fully knowing the lingo they will use. Sorry, but I walked away from that many years ago. I got so tired of topical preaching and taking scriptures out of context in order to fit their own agenda. Instead of expository preaching, where the entire counsel of God is being taught, they are famous for coming up with an idea and finding some verse that will fit. My goodness, even in true fashion of the Pharisees, the IBFPs I grew up with could actually supersede the real scriptures with their own man-made doctrines. While many sermons were indeed truthful, I am sad to report that many of them were based on their own ideas and you were expected to follow along. As I’m sure you remember, ALL IFBPs are indeed the boss of their church and they had no qualms in admitting it. Oh, the times I would hear people being told to simply leave the church if they didn’t like what they were hearing. The deacon board was simply in place in name only. After being elected to the deacon board, those men figured out very quickly that they were required to be “yes men” and any man questioning anything was considered a troublemaker. Our pastor would actually sit on the podium and take roll like a school teacher. If you watched him carefully during the song service, you would see him take out his trusty little “black book” and write down the names of the deacons who weren’t there. My dad confirmed it was taking place as he would receive inquiries as to why he wasn’t there every time the doors were open. My dad didn’t graduate from college until I was in high school so many weeknights of his were spent acquiring his bachelor’s degree in business administration from a small college in ————-. When he was unable to be at church on Wednesday nights or visitation on Tuesday nights, he was certainly read the riot act as he was reminded of his obligations. Most of the time he was required to report to the pastor that he was having classes on any given church night (except for Sunday, of course) and ultimately resigned from the deacon board as a result of what I’ve always called “cult style” religion. That may be an awful word to use, but I’ve always likened the IFBPs of my childhood to cult leaders. They demanded total control over your life, your finances, your children, your homes, how you dressed, etc. and if you refused to comply you were considered substandard Christians. I even remember MANY instances of adults being “called down” from the pulpit if they were “caught” whispering to each other, passing a note of some kind and the infraction of all infractions……..chewing gum. Of course, they were always encouraged to “get right with God.” I remember the pastor’s kids being no exception as he would single them out for any infraction, even to the point of making them stand up at the end of the sermon in order to call them down in front of everybody. Of course, there was always an altar call to follow if they needed to “set things straight” and many times would publicly apologize. Certainly not being against public apologies, I feel those apologies come from the heart of those who desire to give them and not being coerced by an all-controlling IFBP whose desire is humiliate you into conforming. No wonder so many young people of my day decided to bail out and jump ship!

Thank you for having the courage to speak out against IFBx indoctrinations. While these churches don’t seem to be as extreme as they were in my childhood, they are still very legalistic and believe in a man-centered salvation. I cringe at the thought of ever having to step foot in another one. I hope you won’t think I’ve spilled my guts too much. It’s just nice to hear somebody with a similar background extolling the virtues of seeing God’s Word for the Truth that it is. There’s not a day that passes that I am not thankful for the Lord helping me find my way through the legalism of my upbringing. What true transformation, freedom and liberty occurs when you are finally able to shed that old Pharisee cloak and learn how to have a TRUE relationship with your Savior! Why He chose me at all is a wonder beyond my imagination. I feel sorry for those still in the IFB quagmire and I pray they, too, will be released from their bondage.

Thanks for reading my ramblings,
A Reader