Tag: marriage

Romeo, Juliet, and a Biblical Courtship Model

~ Bob Hayton ~ 7 Comments

Voddie Baucham Jr. has just written a fascinating and somewhat provocative new book: What He Must Be …If He Wants to Marry My Daughter (Crossway). Crossway was kind enough to give me a preview of the book, and my wife and I were quite pleased as we skimmed through it last night. Baucham is saying things which need to be said, and he does so in a winsome, interesting style.

As part of a Crossway blog book tour, I’m going to post a couple excerpts of the book, and provide a mini-review of it. Feel free to ask questions about the book, I can send those on to Crossway and/or the author himself too, if they are good enough.

Here’s today’s excerpt, an interesting look at the familiar tale of Romeo and Juliet.

…As fathers, we must teach our children to go beyond technical virginity to biblical purity. We must protect their hearts.

The classic illustration of this caution for fathers is Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. We usually think of Romeo and Juliet as a classic love story. However, we must remember that the principal characters paid for their illicit romance with their lives. Juliet is the classic example of an unprotected young woman who gave her heart away and paid a dear price. She “fell in love” with a young man she barely knew, hid the romance from her family, ignored all the warning signs, cherished stolen moments, committed herself irrationally and prematurely, and in the end died at her own hand.

Reading the story as a “neutral” or “passive” observer may leave you mourning the tragedy of two people who found “true love” and lost it because of their pigheaded families, but sifting the story through a biblical grid sheds a different light. You may say, “Romeo and Juliet is just a story.” However, I would argue that it is much more than that. In fact, I believe the only reason this story has stood the test of time is the fact that it depicts, although melodramatically, an all-too-familiar reality. Romeo and Juliet is the timeless story of the passion, bliss, and ignorance of young love (and of course, the foolishness of unresolved blood feuds).

This is a story that has been played out thousands, if not millions of times all across the globe. It may not always end in suicide (though sometimes it does), but it always ends with a price being paid. Sometimes that price is something as small as a romance that lives in the heart and mind of someone who ends up married to another. Other times the price is a dysfunctional marriage based on decisions made at the height of passion (and often rebellion). In any case, it is important to count the cost as we consider how we will approach the courtships of our daughters. [pages 167-168]

So, what do you think? Is he right? Do you have questions about his approach? You can find out more about the book at Crossway.com, or at its product page at Westminster Bookstore.

Submitting to God’s Will in Marriage — 1 Pet. 3:1-7 (part 2)

~ Bob Hayton ~ 5 Comments

This is part 2 of an outline from a lesson I gave for my small group, recently. Read part one first.

Submitting to God’s Will in Marriage (1 Pet. 3:1-7) —
Part 2: The Husband

I realize this is a thorny topic for many. I’d like to recommend a couple resources before I continue here. For much of this lesson, I’m dependent on a chapter from Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism (edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem). Wayne Grudem’s chapter “Wives Like Sarah, and Husbands Who Honor Them” focuses on these seven verses in 1 Peter. Also,a pastor at C.J. Mahaney’s Covenant Life Church, in Gaithersburg, MD has written an extremely helpful book from this complementarian perspective on marriage: Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace. Gary and Betsy Ricucci (Betsy is C.J.’s sister) have really outdone themselves with that book, you’ll find it very practical. I’d also recommend perusing the Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood’s website, where you will find a rich resource with many online articles covering all aspects of this issue, from the practical to the apologetical. Finally, feel free to check out the few posts I have made on these topics (listed here and here).

2. Considerate Leadership — The Husband (1 Pet. 3:7)

A. Definition.

1) Leadership

Because this verse is tacked on to the instructions for how a woman should submit, we can understand it as applying to how a husband leads his wife. he must do so considerately. It should also be noted that 3:1-7 clearly shows that the husband leads, and leadership is not equally shared. Both submission and leadership are not optional. “Husbands cannot rightly opt out of family leadership and become passive non-participants in decisions and activities. Neither can they rightly make the opposite mistake and exercise harsh, selfish, domineering authority in their families….” (Grudem)

2) Considerate Leadership

“In an understanding way” literally is “according to knowledge”. So husbands are to live together with their wives according to knowledge. Exactly what that knowledge is, is not specified. Likely it would include knowledge of God’s Word relating to marriage, and intimate knowledge of his wife (emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.). Living according to this knowledge means understanding your wife and treating her carefully and lovingly, yet realizing the Biblical call to lead her and the family.

This call to live understandingly with the wife parallels the Biblical emphasis in the commands to husbands as it relates to marriage. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ sacrificially loved the church (Eph. 5:25). They are to love them as their own bodies, love them “as yourself” (Eph. 5:28, 33). Husbands are to love their wives and “not be harsh with them” (Col. 3:19).

B. Rationale for Considerate Leadership.

1) The wife is the “weaker vessel”.

This means, most basically, that she is vulnerable to being taken advantage of. In the context, she has a lesser role (not lesser importance, mind you) with regards to leadership. She is also physically weaker, and she has emotional vulnerabilities (hinted at in vs. 6). Emotional sensitivity is a great strength, but it opens one up to a likelihood of being “hurt deeply by conflict within a marriage or by inconsiderate behavior” (Grudem). Since the wife is vulnerable both in light of her position as under the husband, as well as her physical makeup, such a strong call for husbands to be considerate, and to show honor is needed.

2) The wife is a joint heir with her husband in the faith.

In Christ we are all one, there is no “male or female” even as there is no “Jew or Gentile”. Hence we should live together considerately, and men should treat their wives honorably.

3) This matter is vitally important and affects our prayers.

Prayers are hindered if the husband harshly treats his wife. Prayers are helped if he gives her honor. God cares about our marriages, and maintaining a healthy and godly marriage is very important — it pleases God.

C. Qualities of Considerate Leadership.

1) Consideration and Kindness for the wife. — living with her “in an understanding way”.

2) Honor for the submissive wife.

Husbands should not just be considerate, they must actually go out of their way to bestow honor on the godly and submissive wife. The word for “woman” is used only here in the Bible and refers to the idea of “feminine one” — a woman in tune with her godly femininity. This woman is the one worthy of honor.

3) Prayerful direction of the family.

Vs. 7 makes it seem that husbands should be praying and that prayer if vital for families. We should pray for our families and lead them from our knees.

Submitting to God's Will in Marriage — 1 Pet. 3:1-7 (part 1)

~ fundyreformed ~ 7 Comments

I’m reproducing the outline from a lesson I gave for my small group, recently. I think 1 Peter 3:1-7 is a beautiful passage on marriage that often gets overlooked. Much can be gained from studying just these seven small verses.

Submitting to God’s Will in Marriage (1 Pet. 3:1-7) —
Part 1: The Wife

Introduction

The preceding section (the last half of chapter 2) focuses on the Christian’s call to submit to God in society. He is to submit to ordinances and rulers, kings and governors, and by so doing is to honer God. Chapter 3 verses 1 and 7 both tie in to that context with the words “Likewise”. In marriage both the wife and the husband are called on to honor God through submission to His roles for marriage. in this, they follow the example of Jesus Christ, Who submitted Himself to God and left us an example that we should follow in His steps (2:21). Whether with regards to civil government (2:13-17), employment (2:18-20), marriage (3:1-7), or the church (5:5), we are to be subject to God-ordained authorities “for the Lord’s sake” (2:13).

1. Beautiful Submission — The Wife (1 Pet. 3:1-6)

A. Definition of Submission.

The idea of submission is clearly defined by this text.

Vs. 1-2 — Being subject = husbands see “your respectful and pure conduct”.

Vs. 3-5 — The adornment of a godly woman is the internal “gentle and quiet spirit” which has unfading “beauty”. This internal adornment also involves “submitting to their husbands”.

Gentle means “meek”, “not insistent on one’s own rights”; “not pushy, not selfishly assertive,” or “not demanding one’s own way” (Grudem). “The word refers to the humble and gentle attitude that expresses itself in a patient submissiveness; it could be used in the context of a meek and quiet spirit as a response to slander (Balch, from Linguistic and Exegetical Key to the New Testament, by Cleon Rogers). The adjective form of “gentle” used here, occurs only 3 other times, two of them describing Christ’s gentleness (Matt. 11:20, 21:5, and also Matt. 5:5). The noun form is more frequently used (cf. Gal. 5:23).

Vs. 6 — “Submitting to their husbands” includes willing obedience and respect.

To summarize, submission is “respectful’, “pure”, has unfading “beauty”, involves a “gentle and quiet spirit”, is meek, does not demand one’s own way, and at the very least includes willing obedience and respect. Wayne Grudem defines submission as “an inner quality of gentleness that affirms the leadership of the husband”.

B. Benefits of Submission.

Vs. 1-2 — The conversion of a lost husband (even to a lost man, submission seems right and beautiful, and even compelling).

Vs. 4 — A strong personal beauty which does not fade.

Vs. 4-6 — Special favor from God. A submissive spirit is “of great worth” to God. Being known as “daughters of Sarah” means proving to be genuine Christians, and even more than that, proving worthy of the kind of special honor Sarah receives.

vs. 7 — Honor from a godly husband (and indirectly from all godly men).

C. Hindrances to Submission.

Vs. 1 — The difficulty of a lost (or even a backslidden / overbearing) husband. (Even such a difficult situation does not permit one to shirk the Biblical call to submission.)

Vs. 3 — The temptation to live for worldly status, sexy recognition, etc.

Vs. 6b — Fear of the consequences if she submits (fear of the unknown, worry over her well-being or sense of personhood, fear of other’s thoughts of her, fear of a disobedient or unbelieving husband).

D. Strength for Submission.

Vs. 3-4 — Focus on what God thinks (submission is to Him, “very precious”).

Vs. 5 — Hope in God. He is good, His way is right, His promises are true.

Vs. 6 — Be mindful of the Gospel, and your status as Sarah’s daughters (God’s people).

2:13, 21) — Remember Christ’s example, and that all of this is for the Lord’s sake (it pleases Him).

“With One Voice: Singleness, Dating & Marriage to the Glory of God” by Alex & Marni Chediak

~ Bob Hayton ~ 11 Comments

I’ll get right to it. With One Voice: Singleness, Dating and Marriage to the Glory of God by Alex & Marni Chediak is one of the best books I’ve read in a while. Aside from skillful wordsmithing and intuitive organization, the book hits a home run when it comes to addressing the topic at hand.

There are not too many books out there which deal with how to find a mate, yet are written from a wholly Christian and Biblical perspective. And even then, some of the books which qualify as Biblical and Christian major on a specific dating (or anti-dating) method to the detriment of a well-rounded Christian philosophy of dating in general. This book provides just that: a distinctly Christian approach to the philosophy of singleness, dating, and marriage.

Alex Chediak, with the help of his wife Marni, begins the book by detailing the pervasive cultural changes which influence our view of dating. He shows how a changing job market has spread out families, and focused on the value of individuals in the marketplace. Technological and commercial advances have coupled with the increasingly personalized society to lure courtship from the parents’ front porch to the drive-in movie theater and eventually to live-in relationships. The Chediaks also highlight how the new concept of delayed adolescence gave room for today’s entertainment and me-oriented culture. One widespread result of these cultural changes is the tendency for young adults to remain single until they are almost 30. Confronted with these changes, which certainly threaten a Christian view of marriage and sexuality, Alex doesn’t just settle for an appeal to bring back the golden days of yesteryear. He calls such nostalgic responses “unwarranted and misplaced”, which often “fall short of addressing the heart issues”. Men have always been sinful. The Christian response should be to study culture with a view of applying Biblical principles in such a way as to redeem and confront it.

After setting the stage, the book goes on to emphasize that marriage should be normal. Excepting those gifted for lifelong singleness, marriage is God’s will for the Christian young person. That being the case, cross-gender relationships should not be all about fun and enjoyment, rather they should be intentionally focused on the reality of marriage. Before detailing how a single adult should go about finding a mate, Alex & Marni lay an important foundation by discussing a Biblical view of masculinity and femininity, and the concepts of leading and submitting. They do this, because one of the book’s primary themes is for singles to focus on becoming the right kind of person first, before looking for the right potential mate.

The wisdom of the Chediaks shine through in the final two chapters detailing how to “choose [a mate] wisely” and “proceed carefully” with your relationship. There is a wealth of wisdom available as they discuss objective and subjective considerations necessary in a prospective mate, and the intentional and careful progression of a relationship. There couldn’t be a more practical “how to” book for this process, yet at the same time the book gives plenty of space for a variety of methods to be used. Instead of a detailed prescription, the book offers an undergirding framework of Bibilical principles upon which to erect a healthy and successful, Biblically faithful relationship.

This book comes at the marriage issue from a Biblically faithful, conservative theology. It does not offer a theological defense of a complementarian view of masculinity and femininity. Nor does it defend the Biblical priority of marriage and denial of extra-marital sexual activity. Instead it assumes these views and aims to be very practical. This in good part forms the strength of the book. It helps you think Biblically about marriage and dating, and supports you in your quest for a godly mate. I wish I had such a book when I was thinking through my own dating philosophy. It would have saved me much time and grief in thinking through such things on my own!

There isn’t much to say by way of criticizing the book. Perhaps it could have brought up the influence of the romantic movement in the 1800s on society’s present view of dating and marriage. Also some of the statistics on page 22 are a little hard to follow. But all in all, this is a fantastic book. It is extremely easy to read, with large font and a well-written, fast moving arrangement. It is a short read, being only about 140 pages long; yet it will be an incredibly profitable read. I recommend the book to singles everywhere of any age, and also to youth pastors, pastors and parents. Indeed, there is much wisdom available even for those singles who feel especially frustrated in finding a mate. So by all means get this book, you’ll thank me later!

Note: you can learn more about the authors and the book here.

Disclaimer: This book was provided by the author. The reviewer was under no obligation to offer a positive review.

This book is available for purchase at the following sites: Westminster Bookstore, Amazon.com, or direct from Christian Focus.

“Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God” by C.J. Mahaney

~ Bob Hayton ~ 2 Comments

This post finishes my review of Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God, by C.J. Mahaney, which I started here. I highly recommend this book, with but one caveat.

In Mahaney’s eagerness to use Song of Solomon as a Biblical description and instruction of marital intimacy, he falls prey to a wrong approach to interpreting that book. He pits an allegorical interpretation, which sees Christ and his Church as the key players in that song, against a “literal” interpretation, which sees Solomon talking about the joys of marital love. I am aware that some who used an allegorical interpretative scheme in approaching this book did so in such a way as to negate any application of what the song teaches about marital love. However, Mahaney’s approach, which is widespread and pervasive today, errs to an opposite extreme: in applying what the song says directly about marital love it denies any typographical use of the book. I see a third option, one which affirms that the book clearly praises the joys of marital love yet which also recognizes that Solomon’s Song is written within the framework of a redemptive history that the Bible records for us. And just as other Biblical stories foreshadow and describe the redemption Christ accomplished for His people, thereby enhancing our understanding of and appreciation of the Gospel (for instance Gal. 4:24ff.; 1 Cor. 10:4ff.; Rom. 15:4; Luke 24:27, 44-45ff.; and the obvious typography of the Tabernacle and offerings–whole book of Hebrews; see this category of posts for more information), so too the Song of Solomon may rightly be seen to describe the anti-type of which marriage is only a picture. Indeed all marriages are a picture of the abiding covenant love and joyful relationship between Christ and His Bride, the Church (Eph. 5:31-32); and hence it would be proper to see Christ and His Church as ultimately referred to in this beautiful love poem.

Let me not fail to stress here that this really is an absolutely wonderful book on marriage. You need to get it and read it, especially if you are a husband—and even more so if you have already been married for some time. Below I will mention some specific points in the  book which I appreciated, beyond what I have already written. But before I do, I should refer you to a more competent review that what you will see here. Tim Challies has a good review at DiscerningReader.Com; however he may not agree with my caution concerning Mahaney’s interpretational approach to Song of Solomon. Now on to my excerpts and comments on the last four chapters of the book.

More than “The Act”

Most of the book teaches us men how to romance our wives and how to communicate effectively our love to them. Yet it purports to be a book about sex. Mahaney stresses that this is no contradiction: sex is more than just “the act”.

You see, what we express…and how we behave toward our wives in the days and hours before we make love is actually far more important than what we do when the clothes come off…Everything I say to my wife teaches her something about how I value her. Every touch, every kiss on the cheek, every note and gift, every brief phone call—as well as every act of selfish neglect—expresses something about my heart….So, to talk about romantic communication and creativity is not to delay talking about sex. It is to talk about what makes for the best sex.

Communication and sex are inseparable. It’s not as though sex is one thing and communication is something else. Life doesn’t divide into neat little compartments like that, especially when it comes to the oneness of marriage. It’s all one thing. (58-59)

Carefully Composed Words

I found Mahaney’s chapter on “The Language of Romance” to be very interesting. I was challenged to be more intentional in how I communicate with my wife, and to stop neglecting poetry as a means of arousing her love. I used poetry frequently before we were married, I should therefore use it even more, now that we are. Listen to Mahaney on this point:

…[Song of Solomon shows us] a category of communication set apart from the stuff of daily life….It is highly intentional, creative, provocative, erotic language. It’s purpose is to arouse romantic passion—to inflame slowly and intentionally, all the while honoring and delighting one’s spouse….Long before they begin to enjoy one another’s bodies, they excite one another’s minds with tender, creative speech. They model for us what it means to feel sexual passion and to articulate that passion. The language is highly poetic, romantically expressed, and exceptionally creative and imaginative. It is also unmistakably sexual.

The best sex begins with romance, and the best romance begins with the kind of speech we read in the Song of Solomon. It begins with carefully composed words….

Far from scorning carefully composed words, I should accept the lesson of Solomon’s Song and learn how to use them. Poetic language is a gift from God that can help me promote godly romance with my wife!

…How many times in the past week or month have you spoken to your wife in ways that she found to be romantically and perhaps erotically arousing? (60, 69-70)

Does Natural mean Not Spiritual?

Should lovemaking within marriage be considered a fundamentally spiritual activity? I believe the answer is an unqualified yes.

Is there a case to be made from Scripture that lovemaking is any less important to a marriage than praying together, studying the Bible together, or even attending church together? I don’t think so….

…let’s not see sex as merely a permissible part of marriage or something to be tolerated. Sex in marriage is mandatory and something to be celebrated! (See 1 Corinthians 7:35; Ephesians 5:31) Sex was created for marriage, and marriage was created in part for the enjoyment of sex. (74-75)

A Realistic Approach

…I am confident that a consistently God-glorifying approach to marital intimacy can improve any couple’s sex life significantly. But let’s keep in mind that we’re human, with limitations….On the subject of sexual expectations, Douglas Wilson has pointed out that while some meals are steaks, and some are macaroni and cheese, both are enjoyable. That’s wise counsel. So let your expectations be realistic, and enjoy. (87)

The Love Behind the Sex

Mahaney pointed out something about Song of Solomon that I had never considered. He stressed that Song of Solomon, while highly erotic, is a book about marital love. And he draws some important conclusions from that seemingly inconsequential point.

It’s remarkable how Solomon’s language, while obvious in its intent, is never biologically specific in a way that could be considered vulgar or clinical….that fact is itself full of meaning. Although sexual intercourse is certainly an ultimate expression of a married couple’s erotic encounter, it is not the outstanding central feature of this book. What is dominant in the Song is not any particular physical act. The book is not about sexual intercourse. Rather, it is about the remarkable nature of the couple’s overall relationship—in all its romance, yearning, desire, sensuality, passion, and eroticism….they do not desire to be together simply so they can experience sexual gratification. They want to be together because they are in love, albeit a powerful one…. (88-89)

A Word to Wives

I wanted lastly to mention that there is a great “word to wives” section written by C.J’s wife Carolyn. It is for the most part a reproduction of chapter 7 in her book Feminine Appeal. I read that section, too, and was impressed by Carolyn Mahaney’s wisdom. It like the entire book, is not so much a manual on how to make love, as it is an encouragement to have a deep and lasting joyful relationship with your mate which includes a proper valuing and enjoyment of sex.

This book is available for purchase at the following sites: Amazon.com or direct from Crossway.